Welcome to the Resilience, Redefined Blog!
After wrestling for weeks about the topic of my inaugural blog post, I landed on sharing my personal story. My story, like many, is complex. While now is not the time for a tell-all memoir, I will share my health story in the hope that it conveys why I am passionate about teaching the importance of cultivating holistic resilience. I’ve never shared this publicly, but I believe it is important, so *deep breath*.
Strangely, and perhaps suddenly, around the age of 12, I became physically sick. Not the urgent care or take some Nyquil kind of sick, but a deeper, longer, all-over kind of sick. Every joint in my body screamed. Headaches ravaged me incessantly. Soon thereafter, walking became nearly impossible, and I required the use of a wheelchair. Dozens of doctor visits with no answers. I was excused from school for the better part of my 7th-grade year. My mom started reading about chronic fatigue syndrome, which was thought at that time to be lunacy. She spent time cooking whole foods for me that were yeast and sugar-free. In a few weeks, I was better.
I didn’t remain yeast and sugar free, yet I did not suffer the same crippling symptoms for several years, although I was always prone to illness. I was the one who caught everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. If it was going around, I was going to get it. But I did ok until I was 23, living in Houston, working for a youth camp, and pushing myself entirely too hard. My joints started aching again. Then I got a rash all over my body. By the end of summer, I was admitted to the hospital for almost a week. My liver enzymes were through the roof. I was diagnosed with scleroderma, treated with steroids, and referred to a rheumatologist. I returned home to NC and was cared for by my family for a week. I felt better. Then I moved to Nashville.
Fast-forward, and I would continue to experience flare-ups. I did see a rheumatologist who agreed that I had the genetic markers for scleroderma, but I did not have the typical symptoms, so I was not given that diagnosis. Eventually, I was diagnosed with lupus, then a mixed connective tissue disorder. The flare-ups continued for years.
After several failed pregnancies, I delivered a baby girl when I was 37 years old. She was born a month early due to my placenta failing. A year later, I was in so much all-over joint and muscle pain that I was convinced I would never see her second birthday. At 38, I endured my first near-death experience when I had an adrenal crisis. Subsequently, I was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease – my adrenal glands were no longer producing enough cortisol and aldosterone to keep me alive.
In my 40s, I survived a pulmonary embolism and anaphylaxis twice. I was then diagnosed with idiopathic anaphylaxis because I am allergic to nothing. Seriously. Not even pollen.
With every occurrence, flare-up, and near-fatal experience, never did I once question whether my physical issues had psychological roots. Why would I? No physician ever asked me about whether I had ever experienced traumatic events. No mental health clinician was ever curious about whether my physical issues were connected to my mind or emotions. Physical problems had biological causes, and emotional problems had psychological causes – so I was taught and so I thought.
While the worst part of 2020 for most was COVID-19, for me, it was the least of my horrors. 2020 was a psychological hell for me, and I could physically feel it in every joint and in every breath. It was the first time I ever considered that my physical state may be tied to my psychological state. Somehow, by the grace of God, I came across and read the book Cured: Strengthen Your Immune System and Heal Your Life by Dr. Jeffrey Rediger, an Asst. Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. In Cured, Dr. Rediger chronicles and reflects upon his decades-long search for the explanation of why and how spontaneous remission from incurable chronic and terminal illnesses occurs. Throughout the book, he tells the tales of many individuals who stood at death’s door and somehow walked away all the better for it. A central theme he observed in patients who had been “cured” was a link between their identities and their immune systems. Hungry for more, I read When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress by Dr. Gabor Mate. In this book, Dr. Mate explains that disease can be the body’s way of saying no to what the mind cannot or will not acknowledge. My body, mind, and soul were splayed open by these books, and I knew – KNEW – at the root of my 30-year battle with debilitating autoimmune disease was unprocessed trauma and toxic stress.
Without a deep dive, it is sufficient to say I endured early-life traumatic events and adversity. While some of what I experienced is considered big “T” trauma, most of what affected me adversely is considered little “t” or complex trauma. However, I never ONCE felt clinical levels of depression or anxiety. I never ONCE felt clinical symptoms of PTSD. I was active throughout my grade school years, always happy, always helpful, and always working to achieve. I obtained a college degree, a law degree, and owned a successful business. Sure, I had some relationship ups and downs, but eventually I landed a hard-working husband, had a stunning baby girl, and bought a house on the most beautiful acres of land imaginable. I was not just a survivor, I was a THRIVER! I was the PILLAR OF RESILIENCE – by everyone else’s standards, including medical and mental health professionals.
The truth, though, is that while I was psychologically resilient, I was not physiologically resilient – thus, I was NOT holistically resilient.
My body was screaming NO to what my mind could not and did not want to acknowledge.
At 43, I began the journey of reclaiming my health, which started by processing the past and facing my deep desire to be everything to too many people. I had to learn how to manage my tendency to take on too much and recognize the signs of burnout in my body – which was really difficult! And the hardest part of all was acknowledging, facing, and releasing the positive effects of being chronically ill – and yes, there were positives that needed to be released. I had to discard incorrect identities and ideas about myself and step into my true identity. I quit being Kelly, the girl who was made to be sacrificed, and started being Kelly, the girl who was made to fly. And guess what…I flew! My body no longer aches from head to toe. I am no longer afraid of dying of an autoimmune disease before my daughter grows up. I believe I can live to be 100 years old, or maybe even older. I believe that I have a purpose and that purpose has nothing to do with anyone’s opinion of me – including my ego’s opinion of me.
So, that’s a snippet of my health story, and the reason I am so unabashedly passionate about helping others cultivate holistic resilience, which encompasses resilience on both a mental and physical level. Without doing the work to cultivate holistic resilience, I do not believe I would be alive today to write this story. Now, when adverse physical symptoms appear, I immediately dig deep internally and take the necessary psychological steps to care for myself.
I desperately wanted to share this with others, but my story and the books I devoured were not enough for me to feel confident in teaching others about resilience. It was important for me to teach from both personal experience and scientific evidence. So, I obtained a master’s degree in psychology from Harvard University. I wanted to know if there was a scientific basis for what I experienced in both my decades of illness and my journey to wellness, being rooted in psychological trauma. And there was. There is a plethora of studies that link adversity and trauma to adverse physical effects, WITHOUT also suffering adverse mental effects. Then, I wanted to ensure that I could deliver this information in a manner that was both helpful and most likely to be received by those who need it the most. I then completed the additional psychotherapy courses and clinical hours required to apply for a license as a psychotherapist.
In short, here is what I believe:
I believe with my entire being that people are dying every day from physical illness that is rooted in psychological pain.
I believe the vast majority of the psychological pain that affects our physiology is subconscious. It was for me.
While I do not believe that all physical illness is rooted in psychological pain, I believe that the physical illnesses that are rooted in psychological pain require psychological intervention (sometimes in addition to medical intervention) for deep and lasting healing.
My beliefs are both evidence and experientially based.
So there it is, my “why,” in 1500 words. It is my reason for showing up for myself, and it is also my reason for offering education, coaching, and therapy. You don’t have to share my exact story to suffer the adverse physical effects of psychological and/or traumatic events or toxic stress. Your burnout might look different from my burnout; most do. But there is no one, NO ONE, who cannot benefit from cultivating holistic resilience. And, if you are prone to high achieving, or people-pleasing, or being nice, or being helpful, or being the sunshine to everyone’s rain – cultivating holistic resilience just may save your life.
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